In 2019 I celebrated “Ninjanuary” with several posts about the ninja in popular culture, particularly in films and books from the 1980s, and I occasionally return to that theme. Past entries can be found by clicking on the Ninjanuary tag.

I can’t believe I had never heard of Unmasking the Idol until last month. Not only is it the kind of action-adventure nonsense I always have time for, it also came out in the mid-1980s, when I was a cable-addicted teen, so I think I would have at least seen ads for it. Maybe I did see the title somewhere, but having nothing to attach it to, forgot about it until a critical mass of reappraisal could bring it forcibly to my attention: Vinegar Syndrome recently reissued it on Blu-Ray, and it was also featured on the YouTube channel Bad Movie Bible as an example of a James Bond rip-off (which it definitely is). I watched it on Amazon Prime. Watching the opening credits, in which a soul crooner delivers lines like “Revenge is sweet if you can stand the heat” over footage of ninjas practicing tai chi against glorious sunsets, I wondered if I was falling for a work, and that Unmasking the Idol was really a contemporary pastiche along the lines of Turbo Kid or Kung Fury, or perhaps the Mandela Effect had brought a “newly discovered” lost classic into existence and everyone remembered it but me.

Alas, the main reason Unmasking the Idol isn’t more widely acclaimed is that, while having a lot going for it on paper, it just isn’t very good. (So, the usual reason.) That isn’t to say it’s not worth watching or that it doesn’t have its moments. A movie about a ninja superspy with a sweet Fall Guy truck and a way with the ladies, not to mention a pet baboon who is also a ninja, taking on a masked supervillain with a skull-shaped throne room in his island fortress can’t be a complete waste of time. The cold open, before those ‘80s-tastic opening credits, gets off to a strong start: a black-clad ninja infiltrates a hotel room by night and steals a valuable tape cassette from a wall safe. Upon being discovered and cornered by gunmen, the ninja leaps from the balcony into the swimming pool several floors below. The gunmen surround the pool, waiting for their quarry to emerge, but instead a red rubber ball floats to the surface. When the trigger-happy henchmen open fire, the balloon bursts and releases noxious gas, after which a much larger balloon breaches the water and ascends into the sky, the ninja hanging on below.

After the credits, the ninja lands not far away at the entrance to a casino, where he strips off his outer layer of black clothing to reveal a tuxedo, and we go from ninja action to Bond parody. He introduces himself at the casino as “Jax—Duncan Jax,” and splits his bet at the roulette wheel between “double O” and seven. He banters with a woman named China and they end up in bed together. She meets Jax’s baboon, Boon, and the next morning there’s a short scene establishing Boon’s martial arts bona fides as he beats up some gawking rednecks. All of this is prologue to Jax’s next assignment and the actual plot of the film, so he returns to his futuristic compound and we meet the rest of his team. There’s Sato, the computer guru, who is also presented as some kind of master tactician, nearly taking Jax by surprise with a blowgun to keep him on his toes (and yes, this is basically the same shtick as Cato in the Pink Panther movies, a pattern—let’s call it homage—that recurs throughout this film; there’s hardly a character or plot beat that doesn’t feel like it came off the shelf with no further customization). A number of beautiful women share their ninja training (and hot tub) with Jax, but only one, Gunner, is given a name and she’s the only one who plays a major part in the mission. There’s Star, who issues commands to Jax on the behalf of whatever organization they both serve, and Willie, an older colleague who’s having trouble adjusting to being sidelined. And there are still more characters who must be recruited in heist movie fashion.

Their mission, once they get around to it, is an assault on Devil’s Crown, a fortified island ruled by the Scarlet Leader, an evil ninja: a huge store of gold, all of it stolen, is about to be turned over to the evil Baron Hugo (nicknamed “Goldtooth” for reasons that will become apparent) to buy nuclear warheads and start World War III. The gold, if Jax and his team can steal it first, is the prize, but Jax believes there is something even more valuable hidden on the island. Star further piques Jax’s interest by telling him that the Baron was responsible for Jax’s parents’ death, but we never hear any more about this. (We cut directly to a scene in which the Scarlet Leader throws an old woman in a wheelchair into a pool full of piranhas and alligators while her horrified husband watches, and then kills him, too. The order of the scenes suggests at first that this is a flashback to Jax’s parents’ death, but I think it’s just an illustration of how evil the Scarlet Leader is, and of course it establishes the peril our heroes will later encounter.)

To give the movie credit, the budget is on the screen: while obviously not competing with the likes of the Bond or Indiana Jones franchises, it compares well to other films imitating those flagships. It’s at least as lavish as a well-financed TV movie of the time. The modern architecture of the hero’s home and the medieval barbarism of the villain’s castle make for interesting, well-realized locations. The assault on the island brings together parachutes and hot air balloons (including airdropping Jax’s beloved truck), not to mention three-wheelers, a submarine, a helicopter, and a vintage fighter plane. And bearing the month’s theme in mind, there is more ninja action, with the attacking force relying on stealth, burying themselves in sand and leaves in order to take the Scarlet Leader’s troops by surprise (most of the violence is pretty bloodless, but the ninjas deliver a lot of kicks and neck snaps from behind, sometimes in slow motion). And of course the Scarlet Leader, much more the final boss than the Baron (whom Jax never even confronts face to face), is a villain in the classic mode: along with the obvious similarities to other colorful ninja bad guys, the Leader’s inspirations go all the way back to the hooded masterminds of the serials with more than a little Darth Vader and G. I. Joe’s Cobra Commander mixed in (the electronic voice box the Leader uses not only disguises their voice but gives it a distinctly Vader-like menace). When the Scarlet Leader is eventually unmasked, I actually was surprised at their identity, although I shouldn’t have been. It’s one of those “there are only so many characters in this film” deals.

Forgive me for making all of this sound awesome. It’s not bad, really. It just doesn’t come to life quite like it should. Part of it is how formulaic it is, alluded to above: for every weird detail like a ninja baboon, there are ten lines of dialogue you’ve heard before (shamelessly lifted from better, more famous movies, which is probably supposed to be cheeky). Jax (Ian Hunter) is the worst offender, in that almost everything he says is a one-liner delivered with the impish glee of Roger Moore at his corniest. The twinkle in Hunter’s eyes says “Ain’t I a stinker?”, at least when it’s not giving “cult leader.” It ends up feeling weightless, as no one really reacts to anything. Even the betrayal of one of Jax’s closest allies is just one more obligatory plot beat. For that matter, Jax himself seems to be irresistible to women not because of something in his character or necessary to the plot but because what kind of escapist fantasy hero would he be if he weren’t? Despite the promise of sex and violence, ‘80s-style, this is actually a pretty tame film (the execution of the old couple mentioned above is the most shocking scene, but it’s because it’s so gratuitous, not because it’s especially graphic). Amazon Prime lists it as 7+ (for “older kids,” equivalent to a PG rating); there are plenty of films I’ve explored in this series that have benefited from context and that I can appreciate more now that I’m older, but Unmasking the Idol is one that I probably would have enjoyed a lot more if I had seen it when it was new.

(Well, there’s always the sequel, The Order of the Black Eagle.)